the death of the cool black girl
may 3, 2003- may 3, 2023
the act of unlearning (a foreword)
being a black woman is a perpetual state of unlearning. and when you think you’ve unlearned all you can, something will happen in your life that will bring you back to that place. that place where you thought you weren’t enough. that place where you thought you had to overcompensate. that place where you thought you had to be nice in every circumstance. this was a constant theme in my teenage years. without a doubt, i’ve made a lot of progress in unlearning the eurocentric ideas I had in my childhood. still, it was vital for me to realize that healing from the trauma I experienced in childhood is a lifetime journey. instead of pretending like i’m done unlearning, its important for me to acknowledge these past traumas are things I need to be cognizant of at all times. this particular substack is about my journey in recognizing how I struggle with being perceived in this world and how when I turned 20, my outlook changed. I hope someone can read this, relate, and decide to free themselves from some of the things I freed myself from.
part I: the “cool black girl”
for many years I struggled with being perceived as the "cool black girl." I define the "cool black girl" as a black girl seen as unique, fun to be around, and worthy of attention. mostly based on superficial things like what music they listen to, what clothes they wear, or what films or tv shows they like to watch. to give an example, “rob” from the high fidelity series is the quintessential cool black girl. as much as i love the character.. she’s just that. a character. and she’s an example of the type of person people think a black girl has to be to be important. going to a predominantly white arts school, I always felt like nobody expected me to be "cool" simply because I was a black girl. when some of my peers found out I listened to similar music as them or had a letterboxd account, all of a sudden, their ears would perk up. suddenly I was interesting. and when i didn't live up to their expectation of what a “cool black girl” should be, I wasn’t important anymore. before I recognized this, I found myself doing everything I could to be perceived as this "cool black girl" that people made up in their heads. and after I recognized this, I grew to resent this imaginary "cool black girl." but I must admit, sometimes, I still found myself trying to be her.
this caricature created a sense of insecurity in me as a teenager (especially in high school) and made me ecstatic when anyone thought I was interesting. I had to take time to learn that I was interesting and that it didn't matter if anyone perceived me as this "cool black girl." the "cool black girl" didn’t exist. but my self-esteem and self-image did (and still do).
when you grow up yearning to fit this stereotype, allowing people to mistreat, you is very easy. when you’ve been pushed aside and told you deserve no better unless you fit rigid standards, you’re made to think you should be happy when anyone even gives you any attention at all. so, of course, when someone comes around that thinks you’re unique, you’ll do everything in your power to keep them around, even if it means being mistreated in the process.
20 years of doing this will make you exhausted.
part II: healing
I recognized this caricature (the cool black girl) years ago, but never did the proper work to let go of these past insecurities. when I turned 20, I vowed to never let her control me anymore. I was done allowing people to mistreat me or treat me as if i’m unimportant unless i live up to their expectations of who I should be. i’m blessed to have more genuine people in my life now that affirm me and recognize my worth than I did when i was younger. in my 20s, I'm focusing on continuing to love the people in my life who genuinely care about me. the people who I don’t need to perform for. the “cool black girl” hurt me in so many ways, and i’m finally doing the work to make sure she’s gone for good. and I hope anyone that yearns to be the cool black girl eventually does the same.